It's A Byss of A War, But It's The Only War We've Got
by kiyone4ever
Summary: Take insane doctors, mix liberally with crazy ship-girls and stir vigorously! What could go wrong?
1. Chapter 1 You Can Dress Them Up

This idea just would not leave me alone. I am reposting a bunch of these shorts I first put up on Sufficient Velocity. In this story, the need for military doctors in the Far East has resulted in the recommissioning of several MASH units for active service The time is contemporary but the members of the 4077 are the familiar ones we know, just all born about 65 years later. Also as a MASH unit is bigger than what we saw on the show, characters who never met in the series will be working side by side here. With those caveats, watch what happens when crazy doctors meet crazy ship-girls. Please Read and Review and hopefully enjoy a laugh or two.

 **It's A byss of a War, but it's the only War We've Got!**

 **Chapter 1: You Can Dress Them Up...**

* * *

"Radar?"

"Uh yes? Colonel Potter sir?"

"I see you're still writing that Korea fic... You do realize that New Years 1952 only happened once. Don't you son?"

"Uh yes, sir."

"Good cause you've had it happen three times in this story of yours."

"Sorry, sir... I just keep getting ideas!"

"Glad to hear it Radar. Love the part about the horse cavalry. Don't change it."

"Yes, sir! No sir!"

"Good. Now Radar... I have to take a group over to Yokosuka to discuss planning and coordinating a casualty evacuation exercise. I need people who won't do too much harm to our foreign relations!"

"Who did the colonel have in mind, sir?"

"Major Houlihan won't be a problem representing the nurses. She knows how to stick to business. She'll have no trouble working with Nagato. But I need three doctors. I'll go so that's one..."

"Hawkeye and Trapper?" Radar suggested.

"Hell no! I'm still getting calls about the last time those two went over there! Something about a 'surprise gun and flotation inspection'."

"Had to be there sir." Radar murmured.

"What was that Radar?"

"Uh, nothing sir. What about Major Burns?"

"Burns?" Colonel Potter snorted. "No way! Last time HE went over there he got into a name calling contest with a bunch of destroyers!" The worst part had been Burns losing and demanding that Potter lodge a formal complaint about the 'abusive behavior'.

"That leaves Hunnicutt and Winchester sir."

"Good. Winchester can either discuss tea with Kongou or maybe she'll blast him out of his britches! Don't care which. And then I'll need you to drive and another corpsman."

"Klinger?"

"God help us." Potter nodded. "I just hope he doesn't come back in one of Naka's dresses."

"You and me both sir." Radar paused. "Anything special you want me to pack sir?"

"Better pack a couple bottles of scotch... Make it three. Their CO might want a drink too."


	2. Chapter 2 Ideas and Notions

This chapter was written in response to the Kantai Collection fic 'Greatest Generation', specifically to the survival of Battleship Yamato in the Abyssal assault on Okinawa.

 **It's A byss of a War, but it's the only War We've Got!**

 **Chapter 2: Ideas and Notions**

* * *

In the mess, Corporal Walter O'Reilly looked up from his tray of sausages and powdered eggs at the huge television on the back wall as the news discussed the miraculous survival of Battleship Yamato and her subsequent recovery by a United States Navy ship, the LCS _USS Independence._ Presently the screen showed Air Force Chief of Staff, General O'Neil speaking in Tokyo and discussing the _Independence_ and her role as a support ship for ship girl operations.

 _"Yes, it is a M*A*S*H Unit for ship girls. No, it isn't_ crewed _by Korea Veterans and commanded by a WWI veteran. Believe me, I'm just as broken up about the fact as you."_

"He stole my idea! He can't do that!" Radar exclaimed in protest as the news report finished.

Hawkeye chuckled. "He's a _General,_ Radar! That means he can steal anything he wants! Especially ideas. It's part of his job description. You should feel honored! One of this country's highest military leaders and he chose to pick the thoughts out of your sweet little corporal head."

"Yeah but..."

Trapper nodded, setting down his coffee. "Now if he starts plucking ideas out of Frank's head... Then you should be worried."

"What's THAT supposed to mean?" Major Burns demanded.

"Well, you know that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery Frank. Or in your case stupidity."

"Oh nerts to you!"

"Radar." BJ laughed. "He got the reference from the same TV show you did."

"There's a TV show like that?" Radar replied in confusion.

"Not his fault Beej," Hawkeye replied. "The television was always on the 'O'Reilly Factor'."

"No way!" Radar objected. "The Weather Channel!"

"Ah!" Hawkeye grinned in understanding. "Look Radar if it really bothers you, write another story and put the General in it."

"Like What?"

"How about the General is really in charge of a secret portal built by aliens or something?" BJ suggested.

"Hey wow! That's a great idea!"

"See?"

"Yeah... Just hope I can do it before he steals that one too..." Radar murmured.

"At any rate," Major Houlihan steered them back to the actual news. "I just find that so amazing! Just think of the courage she must have! Yamato should be an inspiration to us all! Think of how many lives she saved!"

"I coulda done better." Frank sniffed.

"Oh really Major?" Winchester scoffed. "I find that statement ludicrous in the extreme."

"I'll prove it! Just let one of those Abyssal monsters anywhere near here and I'll have its head on a stick and then you'll see!" Frank promised.

"Careful Frank. Don't let them hear you. They might decide to take you out in your sleep purely out of self-preservation." BJ warned.

Burns looked horrified. "No... They couldn't... They wouldn't come here would they?"

"I'm glad that you're around to protect us, Frank," Trapper smirked.

Margaret glowered at the doctors. "Do you mind? I'm discussing a real hero! Someone who we should be celebrating for her unparalleled bravery!"

"Yeah. I suspect the girls in Yokosuka must be going crazy after thinking they'd lost her." Potter nodded.

"Well, why don't WE throw a celebration for all of them?" Radar suggested. "I could call over there and find out what we need and we could invite them to come over and just take a day off?"

"Ah!" Hawkeye smirked. "Somebody wants to play sub hunt with the destroyers I think."

"Come on guys! I'm serious!" Radar objected.

"It's more serious than I thought." Hawkeye considered.

"Crush on a cruiser maybe?" BJ shrugged.

Radar squirmed and began to blush.

"Come on Radar! You can tell us!"

"I'm not telling! You'll laugh!"

Come on Radar..." Hawkeye grinned.

"Out with it Corporal." Potter barked.

"It's... It's Kirishima." Radar admitted glowing deep red and sinking into his seat.

"He really is serious." Hawkeye pronounced. "And here I thought a midget submarine would have been more his thing!"

"Well anyway, Radar." Major Houlihan said smiling. "I think that's a wonderful idea!"

"Yeah, but what are we going to serve for food?" Hawkeye demanded. "The last time any of those girls came near our mess tent, Nagato tried to requisition a hundred cases of spam as emergency ammunition supplies because they were low on type 3 shells!"

"Don't worry about that!" Radar promised. "I'll just call Sparky in Tokyo and call in some favors."

"Okay, but assuming you get what we need, who's going to cook it?" Hawkeye pointed out. "We let Igor within a hundred feet of this stuff, he'll turn it into the slop we usually eat around here. I don't want to be responsible for taking out all of Japan's ship girls with food poisoning."

"What's the matter Hawk?" BJ asked. "Never handle a grill before?"

"That's a dandy idea, Hunnicutt!" Potter approved. "I say let's do it! We need something to celebrate around here and this is just the ticket!"

"Not to put a damper on things Colonel," Hunnicutt asked with a serious expression. "But what do you think is going to happen with that Admiral Shimada? He was supposed to be in charge of the island's defense right?"

"The man is a disgrace to his uniform!" Houlihan declared. "They ought to lock him up and throw away the key! Running out on all those civilians! The coward!"

"Now now Margaret," Potter replied. "I've met Shimada. He's a horse's patoot, but that doesn't make him a coward or a criminal. Remember it took a miracle to win that battle. If not for that... "

"But would you have run away like that?" Houlihan pressed.

"Margaret... I know what I'd like to believe, but until you're there. Until you're the one in charge when it all comes apart, you just don't know." Potter shook his head. "As it is, they'll crucify him. Justified or not. "

"Well, that puts a downer on things. Guilty until convicted." BJ commented.

"Do you want me to put those calls for the party on hold Colonel?" Radar asked.

"Hell no Radar! We need this and I think those girls in Yokosuka could use the lift too.

"Yes, sir. I'll get right on it."

* * *

A/N: The remarks of General Jack O'Neil were written by Shaithan on Sufficient Velocity.


	3. Chapter 3: You Can't Take 'Em Anywhere!

**Chapter 3: You Can't Take 'Em Anywhere...**

Colonel Potter frowned at the battered bus sitting outside the mess tent. He turned to Corporal Klinger, who was currently wearing his Toledo Mudhens jersey. "Isn't that the bus that broke down in Nerima last month?"

"Yes, sir. If you look, you can see the dent mark where that girl punched it instead of her boyfriend. But Rizzo says aside from that, it's in perfect working order!"

"Uh huh," the Colonel gave the bus a skeptical look. "By the way, nice outfit."

"I know it isn't regulation army sir but it's the only thing I have in my wardrobe that either isn't a dress or won't leave me chafing all over!"

Potter nodded. "I appreciate it, Klinger."

"You're welcome, sir."

The Colonel then looked over the rest of the group and frowned at his XO. "Burns? Why do you have your service weapon strapped on? In case no one told you, these people are our allies!"

Burns looked at him and squirmed. "Colonel! That's exactly what I mean! I mean someone has to show our allies how a proper US Army officer behaves!"

"I beg your pardon Major?" Potter asked in a tone of warning.

"Well Frank, if we want to show them a real soldier, we've got Margaret!" Hawkeye put in.

"True enough." Potter nodded. "Frank. When we get there, just leave the gun on the bus."

"It's not entirely his fault Colonel." Hunnicutt put in. "He wanted to bring his scalpel but we wouldn't let him take anything dangerous."

"Probably a good call." Potter agreed.

"So Hawkeye?" Trapper asked. "Planning any special maneuvers tonight?"

"I figured me and Ashigara would go refight the war. I'll launch a surprise attack. We'll both get bombed and then we'll see how long it takes her to make me surrender."

"Degenerate." Burns declared.

"Thank you. I try." Pierce answered.

"You're not fit to wear the uniform of an American soldier."

"Glad you noticed Frank. Now if we could just convince the army of that."

"Burns, I'm going to say this one time and one time only: We're guests here. This is a special invite from the Commanding Officer of Kanmusu Force Yokosuka in appreciation of that little wing-ding we threw last week. It seems they actually have a favorable opinion of our little outfit and I intend for it to stay that way. So you are going to be polite and smile and keep that trap of yours shut or I'll boot you clear to Hokkaido! Capiche?"

Major Burns managed a hurried salute as Colonel Potter glared at him.

"Now folks..." The Colonel continued in a more genial tone. "I don't have to tell you just what an honor it is to get this invite."

"Has any American ever been allowed to witness a summoning ceremony here in Japan before?" Major Houlihan asked.

"Only the ambassador, the Secretary of the Navy, and a couple of admirals. " Potter answered. "Father?" He looked over at Father Mulcahy. "From what little I understand, the ceremony has some basis in Shinto ritual. That won't bother you, will it Padre?"

"Not at all! Many and splendid are the ways of the Lord!"

"What's that mean?" Burns asked.

"It means I wouldn't miss this for all the tea in China, Major."

"Or at least all the tea in Kongou's pantry," Hawkeye remarked.

Potter chuckled just a little at that. "Winchester, You're in charge until we get back. Try not to incite a mutiny while I'm gone."

Frank made a face at Winchester. One that did not escape the Colonel's attention.

"Sorry Winchester." Potter apologized. "I know you'd probably get more out of the experience than certain others..." He threw another glance at Burns. "But if I leave them in charge, then I _know_ we'll have a mutiny."

"Understood Colonel. " Winchester smirked at Burns. "Although I shall indeed miss the hospitality and sophistication of a proper tea, there are others who yet might benefit more."

"Whatever." Potter shrugged. "By the way? Anyone seen Radar? He was all excited when this came over the wire but I haven't seen hide nor hair of him since!"

Hawkeye and Trapper grinned, sharing a look. "Oh, he'll be here Colonel," Hawkeye said confidently. "He's just getting something for the battleship who has everything!"

"He's still stuck on Kirishima I take it?"

"I think he's hoping to get a look at her shell collection."

"I don't see why not." Trapper shrugged. "Radar's a pretty high caliber young man."

"And unlike Frank, he doesn't shoot his mouth off," Hawkeye rejoined.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Oh! I'm sorry Frank. Did that one go over your head?"

"Alright you two, Enough with the pot shots," Potter told them.

Hawkeye grinned. Sure enough, Radar was hurrying over with an exquisitely carved rosewood box.

"What's in the box Radar?" Hawkeye asked.

"It's a present for Miss Kirishima!"

"That much we all figured! But what is it?"

Radar looked around and quickly opened the box. Even Winchester seemed appreciative.

"Very nautical of you Radar but how did YOU get a hold of THAT?" Pierce wanted to know.

"It wasn't easy. It took six back months of Superman comics and three cases of chipped beef and four gallons of fudge ripple ice-cream!"

"I'm sure she'll love it Radar." Hawkeye nodded.

"Okay people! Mount up!" Potter ordered everyone onto the bus. "Winchester! HQ says everything should be quiet for the next few days so just make sure the camp doesn't burn down while we're gone."

* * *

After a short drive, the bus was waved through the main gate at Kanmusu Facilities Yokosuka and directed to the building marked 'Operations Center'. Lieutenant Matsuda greeting them there as well as Secretary Ship Nagato and a maturish looking woman, a few inches shorter than Nagato, but radiating quiet confidence. She was identified as Settsu.

" _Battleship_ Settsu." She corrected Matsuda. "There is no treaty out here Colonel. I can do what I was built for." She shot a sideways glance at Nagato. "At least once I've finished reminding the children that I still know which direction to aim my turrets. Give these kids some fancy technology and they start thinking it's time to put you out to pasture like some old tramp steamer. Not this Battleship. Not by a long shot!"

"Amen!" Potter rejoined.

"And a friendship is born!" Hawkeye pronounced. "Warship to Warhorse."

"Can it Pierce."

"I'll can it if I can Colonel. Do you think I can Trapper?"

"I'm certain you can. You could even can-can it."

"Can the canning!" Potter glared at them both and then turned back to Matsuda. "Maybe we better get on with things."

"Of course Colonel. The Admiral is waiting for us in his office..."

 **TBC...**

* * *

 **A/N: Nerima is the home base for the 1st Division of the JSDF _as well as a certain group of martial artists who will remain nameless at this time._**


	4. Chapter 4: Introduction to Madness

**Chapter 4: Introduction to Madness**

"Colonel Potter. Allow me to introduce you to our other guests." The Admiral gestured to a tall woman in the uniform of a US Navy Commander. "This is Commander Swanson from your Naval Intelligence and next to her is Lieutenant Gatch from Advanced Research. Commander Swanson, meet Colonel Potter, he commands one of your Army's MASH units."

"A pleasure to meet you Colonel." Swanson quirked her head. "I was under the impression that the Army had decommissioned all of its MASH units?"

"Just like everything else in this war Commander. Everybody is scraping up and piecing back together anything that might be useful. Even an old bird like yours truly. Commander, allow me to introduce you to a few of my people. Major Margaret Houlihan, our head nurse. Captain Pierce, our Chief Surgeon. Major Burns..."

"He's our head of _Counter_ Intelligence." Captain Pierce put in.

"I am not!" Frank declared indignantly.

"Are you sure of that? Everything you do runs counter to intelligence from where I'm standing."

"Pierce..." Potter said in resignation. "At least let me get through the introductions Please."

"Sorry Colonel."

"Uh huh," Potter replied doubtfully. "Anyway, Captains MacIntyre and Hunnicutt. Our chaplain, Father Mulcahy. Corporal Klinger, you'll have to forgive the outfit. He suffers from a medical condition."

"GI threads give me skin irritation, ma'am," Klinger added. "Admiral? Is Naka back from patrol yet? She had some stitch work she asked me to take care of for her. I think she also wanted me to take some measurements for a Klinger original." He looked over at Colonel Potter with open palms. "I promise sir! It's a cash only deal! No trades! Besides! That style may work for Naka, but believe me! It's way too flashy for me!"

"UH... Yes, I believe Naka and her sisters are back from patrol." A perplexed Admiral Goto replied.

"Thank you, sir."

Colonel Potter shook his head and pressed on to finish his introductions. "And finally, Corporal O'Reilly, my company clerk."

"Call me Radar ma'am. Everyone does."

"Why...?" Swanson began to ask.

"It's because I can sometimes tell what's going to happen before it happens. Oh! Father?" He looked over at Father Mulcahy. "I think the lavatory is three doors down this hall and on the left."

"Thank you, Radar. If everyone will excuse me?" Mulcahy left the room as four naval officers and a number of Kanmusu looked at O'Reilly in astonishment.

Radar shrugged.

"He's just a prototype." Hawkeye Pierce commented. "One of these days we'll build a full sized model."

"Cut it out, sir!"

"A very interesting talent." The Admiral noted.

"Among many." Potter agreed.

"You have Kanmusu, Admiral, but we've invented the Swiss Army Corporal." Hawkeye grinned.

"Hawkeye!" Radar groaned.

Commander Swanson watched the interplay with bemusement, almost missing the furtive glances that Corporal O'Reilly was tossing in her direction.

"Corporal?" She asked. "Is something wrong?"

"Uh, no ma'am. Apologies ma'am. I just get the feeling I've seen you somewhere."

"She gets that a lot Corporal." Lieutenant Gatch replied with a smile. "I think it's in the Intelligence Officer's manual or something that the more you stand out, the easier it is to not be noticed."

"Oh! That must be it!" Radar agreed. "Sorry, ma'am." He apologized again to Swanson.

"It's quite alright Corporal." _And thank you, Dakota!_ Swanson thought in gratitude.

"At any rate," The Admiral continued after a minute. "We will have everything ready for the summoning by 1800 hours. In the meantime, feel free to take full advantage of our recreational and dining facilities. Houshou's Cafe is a favorite off-duty spot for our Kanmusu. Until then Colonel, I'm afraid I still have a bit of paperwork ahead of me."

"Of course Admiral." Potter nodded. "We'll see you at 1800 then..."

* * *

Most of the invited guests did opt to relax in Houshou's cafe. An exception was Corporal Klinger who went off to take measurements of Naka and show her some fabric and pattern samples. The rest managed to find their level amongst the kanmusu.

"My first combat was in Grenada in '83." Colonel Potter recalled as he poured another scotch and refilled Settsu's glass as well. "Panama in 89'. In the spring of 1990, I got a transfer to the First Armored Cavalry. I thought it had more dash than the infantry and I didn't expect anyone would get any ideas to use a tank outfit to take out a hostile fruit stand. So there I was, I'd made Sergeant First Class and the next thing I know, we got orders to Saudi Arabia! It was after that I decided to learn how to put folks back together instead of taking them apart. I was a surgeon in time for the next fracas in 2003 and God willing, this one will be the last." Potter downed the scotch.

Settsu nodded. "I was launched and named March 30, 1911. Finished in July of 1912. My sister and I joined the allied fleet fighting the Kaiser's boys at Qingdao in November of 1914. Real hot stuff... I made it through the war fine. My sister, not so lucky. We lost her in July 1918. Foolish carelessness, nothing more. Nothing less. But in 1921, just ten years old and I was out to pasture! Between the new kids on the scene and that treaty... No real regrets that they traded me for Mutsu. She's a good girl. But Colonel... I'm a fighting ship from my keel to my topmast and bow to stern and I got to spend the rest of my days sailing around going 'Hit me! Hit me!' So the youngsters could figure out how to shoot straight. Two decades of it! I trained them. Carried out odd jobs... And sailed around going 'Hit me! Hit me!' ... At least until some of your navy planes decided to hit me for real! That hurts by the way. And I was all done! Finished! And then the scrap pile!" She tossed back the scotch and stuck out the glass to Potter. "So hit me..."

Behind the bar, Houshou smiled at Father Mulcahy. "Are you going to drink that sake, Father, or wait for it to convert?" She teased lightly.

"Oh... Sorry. My tolerance for alcohol tends to be on the light side so I try to take it slower than most folks. Colonel Potter has enough to worry about without his Company Priest getting out of hand."

"You? Trouble? Ha! I'm more worried about the Corporal over there! That's already his third Grape Nehi. I just might have to cut him off." Houshou joked. "But I do have to ask. With the war and everything, how do you keep from going deaf from the sound of all the commandments breaking around you?"

"I just have to go forward in the belief that my work has meaning. It's as simple as that."

Across the room, Lieutenant Gatch was talking with Corporal O'Reilly, who was fast emptying said third Grape Nehi. "So I'd like to set up some experiments, Corporal. Brainwave analysis. That sort of thing and maybe we can figure out the extent of your abilities and how they work and see if we can replicate them. Who knows? It could give us a serious edge on winning this war."

"You mean you want to hook electrodes and stuff up to my head?" He pondered. "Well okay if you think so. Just as long as you don't try an take anything out. On account of that, I'm still using it."

"I guarantee it, Corporal!" Gatch promised with a grin.

"Go ahead and take it out. The little freak." Major Burns snipped from the booth behind them as he drank his beer.

"Major..." Commander Swanson looked at him dangerously. "You know... In the navy, we feel that people and ships have a lot in common. Personality wise that is. Take Lieutenant Gatch. If she were a ship, she'd be a battleship. A lot of people know better than to mess with her. Now the corporal would naturally be a supply ship. Not glamorous but still the backbone of the whole operation." Swanson smiled at Burns coldly. "And you Major... You'd be a dinghy."

Burns got up in a huff. "I won't sit here and be insulted!"

"Then go outside!" An unidentified destroyer called out.

"Oh nerts to you!"

"You tell 'em Ferret Face," Trapper called as Burns stormed out. "Hawkeye. You missed it. Not even a 'GoodBye Frank'?"

Hawkeye kept his eyes on the cruiser he was dancing with. "Sorry Trapper. I'm engaged in planning a little raid."

"Hawkeye? How can it be a surprise attack if she's standing right there?"

"Details! Details! Who cares? It'll be glorious!"

Trapper shook his head and muttered to himself. "This war has finally gotten to him..."

Captain Hunnicutt; meanwhile, was in quiet discussion with Akashi, who was explaining about the repair baths: "So you see, one matter is that Abyssal ships sometimes use phosphorous shells."

"I see. The baths keep the phosphorous inert so that the fragments can be safely removed."

"Exactly! You just might have a future in Kanmusu practice."

"Why thank you! My guidance counselor always told me I needed to ship up!"

And in the back of the room, Major Houlihan raised up another glass of Asahi beer. "Nagato. I envy you. Do you know what it's like working in a hospital surrounded by people who have no sense of discipline? No respect for authority? Honestly! I don't understand why the army would draft people who aren't willing to follow regulations! Ugh!" She took a deep draw. "I need order! I need discipline!"

Nagato shook her head. "Don't envy me too much. This base! It is like running a madhouse!"

Meanwhile, outside, Frank Burns kicked a pebble as he sulked. He paid no attention as he walked aimlessly past the shrubbery and a camouflaged arm reached out and grabbed him around the neck.

"Make a sound and I'll permanently rotate your eyeballs. Now I'm going to let go and allow you to speak. If you yell or scream, I'll ram a twig through your skull."

"Colonel Flagg...?"


	5. Chapter 5: Maneuvers

It's been a while but time to get moving again. So here we go again!

 **Chapter 5: Maneuvers**

* * *

"Don't call me by that name Burns. Here I'm Commander Swenson, Naval Intelligence." Flagg; aka Swenson, flipped out his identification.

"But Colonel Flagg... There's a Commander _Swanson_ from Naval Intelligence already here!" Burns warned.

"I told you not to call me by that name. Do it again and I'll break your tongue off and tie it around your neck." Flagg threatened. "At any rate, Commander Swanson is a phony. There is no such person."

"How can you be so sure?"

"Because her identity is completely airtight. There is _nothing_ to even suggest she doesn't exist and that's impossible. I could provide evidence that your mother isn't real but Swanson's identity is perfect. And that can only happen with the involvement of a very powerful government agency."

"But who?"

"I don't know yet," Flagg admitted. "Possibly the DIA but I'm checking contacts in the NSA. But the point is that she must be here for the same reason I am. If I'm not careful, she could compromise my entire investigation."

"Well then shouldn't you talk to her and maybe cooperate with each other?" Burns suggested.

"You just don't get it. Do you Major? The CIA is not in the business of cooperating with other agencies. We make other people cooperate with _us._ Which is exactly what you're going to do Major."

"What do you need _me_ for?"

"Because you're nobody. And you've got access that I need."

"Access?"

Flagg nodded. "To the summoning ritual. I'm sure that you know that the Navy hasn't had the resources to attempt a summoning yet. I'm here to tell you that's a lie. Uncle Sam has poured BILLIONS into summoning our own Ship-girls." Flagg shook his head. "The program has been a complete failure. Not a single successful summoning and I'm here to find out why. I'm convinced that the Japanese have deliberately sabotaged our efforts in coordination with other powers."

"That doesn't make any sense!" Burns objected.

"Doesn't it? Ship-girls are the most potent weapons in existence and practically every nation has them except the US. The United States once had a fleet more powerful than everything else on earth. If we could summon that fleet back, we would have enough firepower to win this war in a week but our enemies would do anything to prevent that. They'll win this war and then America's enemies will have us over a barrel. We can't let that happen."

"What do I do?" Burns asked.

"I really would rather not trust you on this but I don't have a choice and you have the qualities that I need: You have no moral objection to snitching on your compatriots. And you're an unremarkable spineless coward. You can go where I need you to go and you'll do it." Flagg told him and handed him a pair of sunglasses. "Wear those. There's a video camera built into them that will let us see and record everything you observe. In the meantime, I have a destroyer I need to keep an eye on."

"How will I contact you?"

"You don't. I'll find you..."

* * *

Inside the cafe, Radar listened as Lieutenant Gatch outlined the tests she planned to conduct. She really did not expect any momentous breakthroughs to come from this but one never knew. Besides, she was more than a little concerned about the corporal's reactions around Yvonne. As unlikely as it was that he would break Swanson's cover and possibly hers as well, unlikely was not the same as impossible and wouldn't Admiral Briggs be ever so happy about that! But by placing the corporal somewhere where their presence was common enough to disarm O'Reilly's possible sensitivity or intuition about Swanson, the risks would be minimized. If worst came to worst, it would place them in a better position to make the sort of disclosure Yvonne had given Yamato. A notion she much preferred than to have someone like General Ross decide the simplest solution would be to vanish one corporal. The worst penalty of their new lives, Dakota mused, was the fact that they now had to understand and deal with the ugly politics of war rather than simply fighting it.

But the corporal's attention was suddenly diverted as the door opened and a certain set of sisters entered.

"Kongou is here!" A loud voice announced.

Houshou looked up with a warm smile. "Your usual ladies?"

"Yes!" Kongou replied

As the sisters took up the table just vacated by Major Burns, Radar shifted nervously. "Excuse me, ma'am," he said politely to Lieutenant Gatch and Commander Swanson. He got up and hurried over to where Hawkeye was still dancing with Ashigara. "Hawkeye?"

Pierce ignored him.

"Psst! Hawkeye!"

Pierce paused in mid-turn. "Excuse me, my dear. I think my corporal has sprung a leak." He looked over at Radar. "Radar. can't you see? I'm trying to prepare for some very close tactical maneuvers. Possibly even a little boarding action!"

Radar looked at him helplessly. "But she's right there." He said in a hushed voice and jerked his head back towards the table where the Kongou sisters were seated. "I need help! What do I say?"

Captain MacIntyre stepped in. "Don't worry Hawk. I got this."

"I should hope so. If this girl breaks contact I might never catch up! I can't make thirty knots unless I've got a troop of boy scouts with me." Hawkeye resumed dancing.

"Don't worry Radar. Your Uncle Trapper is here." He put a reassuring hand on Radar's shoulder."The first thing to remember is to be yourself. You're too short to be anyone else."

"Aw cut it out!" O'Reilly protested.

"Seriously though. Relax! Start with an icebreaker." McIntyre suggested.

"Otomari not here right now." Cruiser Atago remarked. "But Tategami is number one tug!"

Trapper rolled his eyes. "Look Radar... Just trust me. You're a great guy and if Frank Burns can find a wife and however transiently attract the interest of our Head Nurse, then a guy like you should have no problem in making a good impression."

Hawkeye paused again and faced Radar. "Trap's right Radar. Just go get 'em, Tiger!" He slapped Radar on the shoulder and then turned back to Ashigara. "As for you my dear, I have not yet begun to flirt!"

Radar nodded choppily and walked over to the sisters' table. "Uh... excuse me?"

"Ah! Radar san!" Kongou greeted. "Sit please!" She pulled an empty chair over next to Kirishima. "One Grapu Nehi!" Kongou ordered.

Trap grinned. "Looks like our boy is growing up!"

Hawkeye nodded "He's a fine buoy..."

In the meantime, the door opened again as Frank Burns walked back in wearing the glasses Flagg had given him. Hunnicutt looked up. "Welcome back Frank. Have fun at the 'I Spy' convention?"

"Wouldn't you Buttinski's like to know?"

"Not really Frank." Trapper replied. "But you know... Get yourself a corncob pipe and you could look like General MacArthur."

"Before or after he died?" Pierce quipped in mid-dip.

"After." Trapper answered.

Meantime Flagg had spotted one of his targets and had begun a careful surveillance.

The destroyer nodded without looking back. _What is that English phrase? Ah! 'The game is afoot!'_


End file.
